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#1
BMF Matt

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A man is taking a short cut through the graveyard when he see's another man crying "why why" hystericaly at a graveside, unable to ignore the mans distress he wonders over to offer some comfort. " there there" he says placing his arm around the man, "was it your brother or mother" he enquires, "no" replies the man "it's my wifes first husband".

Not brilliant I know, but I didn't want to set the standard too high.

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#2

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Old couple both 60 sitting in the garden and a Fairy comes over and say's "i'm gonna grant you both a wish". The wife says i'd like to travel all around the world with my darling husband." suddenly two tickets appear in her hand! Then the husband say's " Sorry luv but i'd like a woman 30 years younger than me!" the fairy waves her wand and suddenly the man is 90!!!! :blink:

The moral of the story................
Greedy, selfish men need to remember fairy's are f*&%£ng female's!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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#3

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Old couple both 60 sitting in the garden and a Fairy comes over and say's "i'm gonna grant you both a wish". The wife says i'd like to travel all around the world with my darling husband." suddenly two tickets appear in her hand! Then the husband say's " Sorry luv but i'd like a woman 30 years younger than me!" the fairy waves her wand and suddenly the man is 90!!!! :blink:

The moral of the story................
Greedy, selfish men need to remember fairy's are f*&%£ng female's!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:


:lol: :lol: :lol: ............. :thumbsup:

#4
BMF Matt

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A little boy goes to his father and asks "dad, what's the difference between theoreticaly and realisticaly" father turns to the mom and asks if she would sleep with the milkman for a million pounds, the mom without hesitation says "yes", he then asks the daughter if she would sleep with the window cleaner for the same amount, and gets the same instant answer as he did from the mom.

He then turns back to the boy "you see son, theoreticaly were sitting on 2 million quid, realisticaly were living with a pair of slappers".

Sorry, still warming up, they'll get better I promise.
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#5
BMF Matt

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Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were.

The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.
The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to :censored: the cat."
:smile: :smile: :smile:
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#6
Clive

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Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were.

The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.
The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."
:smile: :smile: :smile:


Excellent .......... :DDance: :DDance: :DDance: :DDance: :DDance:

#7
BMF Matt

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My wife has stopped talking to me, just because i forgot to open her car door for her. I've told her once its not my fault, I just panicked and swam straight to the surface.

#8
BMF Matt

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There's a man sitting in a restaurant waiting for his order, when suddenly a duck strolls over with a red rose and says "your eyes sparkle like the moonlight reflecting off the soft waves lapping at the shore"

The man quickly summons the waiter " waiter you have got my order wrong, i said aromatic duck"
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#9
BMF Matt

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I hit my wife over the head with an abacus last night. I told the police it was a counter attack.

A kid came up to me the other day and asked "which is your favourite Telly tubby", I said "probably the new samsung LCD, you cheeky :censored:.

A little boy lost his mum in asda and was in floods of tears. The security guard asked him "what's she like", "big :censored: and Bacardi breezers" he replied.

#10
Clive

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I hit my wife over the head with an abacus last night. I told the police it was a counter attack.

A kid came up to me the other day and asked "which is your favourite Telly tubby", I said "probably the new samsung LCD, you cheeky :censored: .

A little boy lost his mum in asda and was in floods of tears. The security guard asked him "what's she like", "big cocks and Bacardi breezers" he replied.



Geee Matt , you crack me up , just what I need at 5 o'clock in the morning , cheeRS .

#11
BMF Matt

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Geee Matt , you crack me up , just what I need at 5 o'clock in the morning , cheeRS .

Sounds like an offer to me Clive.

#12
BMF Matt

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A woman and a man driver are involved in a collision, though amazingly both escape completely unhurt, although both their cars are totally written off.

As they crawl out the car, the man notices that the woman is blonde, and strikingly beautiful, then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily "thats incredible - both our cars are demolished, yet we are fine. It must be a sign from god that we are meant to be together".

Sensing a promise, the man stammers back "oh yes, i agree completely". The woman goes on "and look, althugh my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! it must be another sign, lets drink to our love".

"well OK!" says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

"Your turn" says the man.

"no thanks" she replies "think i'll just sit here and wait for the Police". :smile: :smile: :smile:
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#13
BMF Matt

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for the ticket, the driver says "That's the ugliest baby i've ever seen. Ugh"

The woman sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her "The driver just insulted me".

The man says "You shouldn't stand for that, you tell him off - go ahead, i'll hold your monkey".



This one was voted the UK's favourite joke.
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#14
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Three irish men sitting talking.

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"
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#15
BMF Matt

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A woman approaches her priest and tells him: "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaims.

"But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach you parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman exclaims.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding beads and praying.

When the lady puts her two female parrots in the cage with the two male parrots, her two say: "Hi! We're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"
At which one male parrot looks at the other and shouts: "Put the beads away! Our prayers have been answered".
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#16
BMF Matt

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What do you call a Yugoslavian prostitute? Slobbadon Mecock Yabitch

#17
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Mick says to Dan "why do divers fall of boats backwards?" dan replies "Mick you daft git, it's obvious, if they fell forwards they'd still be on the boat".

#18
sorj

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An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman wonít hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"Whatís this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Hereís your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, itís dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that heís going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and :censored: by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?"
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#19
BMF Matt

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Nice one sorj.

#20
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Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. Ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping





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